Gene the Ex-Con
[ open on Gene the ex-con playing Santa Claus in the mall, with a
Kid sitting on his lap ]
Kid: I want a football. But most of all, I want a new bike.
Gene: A new bike? Whoa! Hey, your son has really expensive
Dad: [ chuckles ] Yeah! Well..
Gene: Probably just like his old man, right?
Dad: [ chuckles a little more ] Right, right!
Gene: Only, instead of a bike, you'd probably want, like, a
new car or something!
Dad: [ feigns laughter ] Exactly..!
Gene: Pretty son, adults will be sitting here on my lap: "What
would you like, sir?" "How 'bout that new Buick Skylark?"
Dad: [ now starting to become aggravated ] Yeah, that would
be funny.. Listen.. maybe you could pay a little more attention to
the kids, I mean.. it's the kids' day, right?
Gene: Oh. Okay. I was just..
Dad: I mean.. the kids.. that's what you're here for..
Gene: Now, Timmy, what kind of bike would you..? [ stops, chuckles
uncomfortably and turns to Dad ] Excuse me. Don't tell me what I'm
here for, please?
Dad: No.. I just figured this was a holiday for the kids, and..
Gene: No, I understand that, sir - just do me a favor and don't
tell me what I'm here for!
Dad: Listen, I didn't mean anything by it. Why don't you relax?
Gene: Relax? [ stands up and closes in on Dad ]
Dad: [ nervous ] Uh.. Billy, you'd better go look at the bikes..
Gene: My man, you want me to be naughty or nice over here?
What's it goin' down?
Dad: What is your problem?! I'm here with my kid, and I'm trying
to enjoy the holiday!
Gene: Listen, man, you're right..
Gene: The thing is, I just got out of jail, I'm trying to straighten
out and make a good impression over here. It's like my P.O. told me:
"Gene, you're crazy! You're the craziest sonofabitch ever came through
Dad: It's alright, it's alright! You seem like a nice
guy at heart..!
Gene: No, no, no. I feel bad, I wanna make it up to you. What
do you say we go back to my room at the Y, listen to some Ronnie James
Dio, and drink some apple wine?
Gene: Yeah, back at the Y I've got the Christmas issue of "Barely
Legal", they got naked elves, they got Santa giving it to broads under
Kid: Daddy? Who's Ronnie James Dio?
Dad: Nobody, nobody, son! [ to Gene ] Listen! I don't want
my kid knowing who Ronnie James Dio is! I'm not even sure I
know who she is! I just want him to sit on Santa's lap and tell Santa
what he wants, so we can get out of here!
Gene: I'm sorry. I'm a little spacey, you know what it is?
I been selling a lot of blood lately. [ takes his seat ] Come on,
son.. get up here and tell Santa what you want.
Kid: I want a happy Christmas for my family.
Gene: Yeah. The only family I had in the can was the Aryan
Brotherhood. Every Christmas, we drank Pruno and passed around the
Dad: [ intercedes ] Okay, that's it! Security! Security!
Guard: [ steps up ] Yes? Yes, what's the problem, sir?
Dad: Travis Bickle here is telling prison stories
to my son!
Gene: My man! This guy's lying! His kid stole a bike!
Guard: Aw, Gene, this is the 56th complaint we've had in two
days. Now, let's go.. [ grabs Gene's sleeve ]
Gene: Whoa, whoa! You wanna keep your hands to yourself, please?
Guard: Come on, Gene, you're bothering the customers, it's
bad for business. Time to leave.
Gene: I understand. Just don't touch me!
Guard: What's up with you?
Gene: Nothing's up with me! What's down with you? What's under
with him? This kid wants a bike, she wants a dolly, and I want you
to get outta my face before I smack you with a stocking full of D-cell
Dad: You guys should have a better screening process for hiring
Santas! You can start with the urine test!
Gene: Sir! Where am I supposed to get work?! Are you gonna
hire a man who just did twelve years for home invasion and murder?
Dad: No, of course not!
Gene: Well, see! That's what I'm talking about! I can't
find a job!
Kid: Daddy? Is Santa going to jail?
Dad: No, son, no.. he's not really Santa..
Kid: Daddy? Is there no Santa?
Gene: You see that, sir? Now you got a kid who thinks
there's no Santa! You happy?
Dad: Well, I'd rather have him beleive in no Santa,
than a Santa who does twelve years for home invasion and murder!
Gene: Sir, yes, it's true, I done time! But, when you think
about it, what does Santa do every year but commit a form of home
invasion? A very loving and generous home invasion, yes.. but still
home invasion! And, as for murder, well.. well, I can't think of any
good reason to justify that.
Dad: You know, my kid used to love Santa! He saw that
Tim Allen movie ten times!
Gene: Kid, I did time with Tim Allen! Let me tell ya
something - he's always been real people, Bro, but he ain't no Santa
Guard: Alright, Gene, come on, let's go.. [ pulls Gene away
Dad: Let's go, son. There are other department stores..
[ fade ]
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